How to Build a Relationship with your Children and Boyfriend

If you are a single parent, you’re likely not enjoying too many after work hangouts at the “prime” pick up spots … think club, bar, an awesome childless sporting event, anyplace you would have been when you were childfree. Certainly there are those occasions where you get a sitter, ask the grandparents, hopefully, you’re able to ask the individual that your co parenting with, to give you a bit of a break, but in those situations you don’t even necessarily want to go out, you just want time that’s yours … in my case it was simply time to myself to clean or grocery shop without having someone toss dozens of things in the cart that they want, but don’t have the first job or monies to pay for … I wasn’t exactly racing to get out there. In all honesty, I wanted to focus on being a mom and dating was the very last thing on my agenda, so I didn’t go looking, or even entertain any solicitations of my number, I simply went on about my days being a mommy until the kids reached an age where I thought they’d be ready to see me with someone who wasn’t their father – that time came around ages 10 and 11 when my daughter asked me when I was going to get a boyfriend.

If you’re like me, the vast majority of your time is spent at work, so it is no surprise that there is where I found my beau. Well before he had that title he was simply my friend and he did things to build my trust, which is important for anyone, but certainly a single parent as you’re very careful about the individuals you bring into your children’s lives and how that individual may affect them … for that I have very few friends

I actually had no intentions of him meeting the kids as I never thought there would be a reason for that, but it just so happened I had an outpatient procedure come up that I HAD to have someone stay at the hospital for and when I mentioned it to him, he offered to take me. It was a super early morning time, but not too early the kids shouldn’t have already been at the bus stop for school, he just happened to arrive prior to them leaving for the bus. I introduced him as I would have any other friend, he chatted them up a bit, and we left for my appointment after they safely made it to the stop.

Before I go on, I’m sure you’re all aware, but I just want to preface this by saying I am by no means a love guru or specialist in this area, these are the things I found to be important in building a relationship between my favorite people.

Foster trust with your children and boyfriend through friendship

Don’t just pop up one day with Joe Schmoo and hope everyone gets along; that’s not fair and builds zero trusts. Talk about that person and get a feel for how your kids feel about the situation before putting everyone in an awkward situation.

For us, we always did Friday family meeting (which I’ll talk about in a later post) before having pizza and a movie in the living room, so when I thought we were all ready, he was my chosen topic for the night. Unbeknownst to me, even though it had been 2 years, my kids actually still remembered the morning my friend came over to take mommy to the doctor’s, so they completely shocked me by smiling and telling me how nice they thought he was for helping to take care of me when I was sick … internal confetti drop and cartwheels were had. After the talk, I still …

Let your children and boyfriend go at their own speed

That goes for both parties. You already know and adore everyone, but they’re still getting to know each other and figure out how to fit in with the other. Almost like you’re the popular kid at school bringing together two groups of your friends who know nothing about the other, other than they know the other exists. You don’t force everyone to all go out because it would leave someone feeling uncomfortable when it seems like you’re giving the undivided attention they’re used to, to someone else … tug of war is only fun at parties and even then, is it really fun, is it really??

Because I have my kids all but 4 days out of the month, I asked my guy how he would feel about eventually incorporating the kids into our activities, but I waited until the kids themselves actually mentioned doing something with him, which brings me to the last one …

Have some familiarity

Don’t make the first thing you do some awkward, stuffy lunch where no one knows what to say or even some park outing where Joe Schmoo just so happens to pop up, coinkydink style, followed by ice cream at the local parlor because it all seems so forced, especially if Joe Schmoo doesn’t even have kids; if your kids are like my kids, they’ll just think he’s creepy for hanging out someplace like that with no real reason for being there.

Remember the post family meeting pizza and movie I mentioned two steps up? That was our first group event because I wanted the kids to do something that was in their ordinary routine to assist in showing them he wasn’t trying to change our routine, he was simply trying to find a way to be incorporated into it. Like when you have an awesome peanut butter sandwich, but then realize there’s grape jelly as well … you’re not choosing one or the other, you add one at a time before putting them together and enjoying them both collectively.

Trying to date while parenting is tough. It’s tough on the kids and it’s tough on the new relationship. Bridging the gap between the two doesn’t have to be as difficult as many people make it. Keeping your children’s routine the same, while naturally adding your boyfriend into the mix is a great way to avoid the awkwardness that may otherwise arise. If you’re lucky, they’ll get along so great that they’ll even want to hang out without you.