When I initially moved out of my children’s father’s house, things for the kids continued as they always had … for the most part. Though I’d moved into my own apartment, we still continued to have the one routine of having the Family Movie Fridays we’d always had with the kids where we rented a family-friendly movie, ordered pizza and grabbed some candy from Dollar Tree … strictly on the up and up family activity to provide some normalcy for the kids without completely ripping away all they had known. Things got a bit rocky as their father took on a significant other and we lost the ability to practice effective co-parenting for about a year or so. Here are 5 ways we got back on track:
DO ONTO OTHERS AS YOU WOULD HAVE THEM DO ONTO YOU
Don’t withhold information you would want the other party to provide you with, feeling like it’s not their business. If it involves or effects your joint child(ren) in any way, it’s the other parent’s business. This includes things like moving, getting a significant other, getting married, having a new baby … yes, they may be your major life events, but they all have a clear impact on your children, that the other parent will eventually have to work out with them as well.
An easy way to remember what you should share is to ask yourself if it is something you would be pissed by to learn about from your child after the fact. If you answer “yes” to the question, you should probably share that information with your fellow co-parent.
KNOW WHEN TO MIND YOUR BUSINESS
There were some things I preferred didn’t occur before a certain time and in retrospect, those things were minor things that were simply my personal preference and C and V’s father wasn’t in the wrong for feeling differently about them.
Things like introducing his then significant other in a way other than what I would have preferred really wasn’t my business. It wasn’t like I didn’t know she existed, I did because it falls into the category of things you should inform the other person about, but once he accomplished that, he had done his due diligence.
Some things really just aren’t your business and you’re going to have to trust the person you share children with isn’t going to put them in harm’s way. Don’t find yourself getting wrapped up in things that are more of an ego bruise for you, than an emotionally traumatic situation for your kids.
CREATE A SCHEDULE
We never went the court route as it was just far more important to us to handle things on our own, so we developed a weekly trade-off. This made it extremely easy to plan in advance and no one had to figure out what was happening when. This also made it easier for the kids because they always knew who they would be with. We used the Cozi family planner as a reference point for the other parent to put things down, but be able to share in a non-verbal manner.
Among other things, schedule things with the kids. After several years of doing a bedtime routine, that wasn’t something we wanted to get rid of, so we scheduled in time for the other parent at bedtime to do phone calls, read stories over FaceTime, etc … which was a nice way to schedule in time with the other parent when they couldn’t physically be there.
KNOW WHEN TO BE FLEXIBLE
Rules were made to be broken and sometimes a schedule may have to be altered … be flexible.
Sometimes an awesome event is taking place on the other parent’s weekend or something just comes up and the need to switch arises. There’s no reason you can’t be flexible with the other parent and even if they previously turned you down when you needed schedule flexibility, don’t be “Petty Johnson” and decline out of spite. In the end, it’s your kids you’re turning down, not them.
Something else to keep in mind, when we created our schedule we didn’t think about how it would affect others like the extended family. My parents travel out of town a lot and the kids loving seeing their Nana and Papa, so they’ll generally contact either myself or their father to see who has the kids, so they can see them for a bit. Same for holidays, we eventually adjusted our previous schedule of alternating holidays to one where we’re both able to have them every year, so extended family and friends can see them as well and the kids just liked it better.
SAY WHAT YOU MEAN AND MEAN WHAT YOU SAY
The main one, by far, is sticking to the ground rules that have been laid out.
There was a time, shortly after I’d moved out, where V was supposed to be having a sleepover with me, but when I arrived to pick her up, her brother wanted to come as well. I told him he could go too and he was told by his father if he was mean to his sister, he was going to come and get him. Well … this was at the start of the phase where he was being really mean to V (hence the warning he was given) and on his third strike, I called up his father, but he had made plans and no longer wanted to abide by the punishment he laid out. Of course, that led to a bit of a war of the words between us, but ultimately, his father came and got him because it was more important that the kids realized we were a UPF … a United Parenting Front.
You don’t want to find yourself in a situation where one parent is saying something, especially regarding a punishment, that becomes only words once the other is out of sight. If you tell them there will be repercussions, regardless of where they’re at, don’t back down on that later as it’s a disservice to both you and the other parent.
What are some things that helped you better practice effective co-parenting with your child(ren)’s other parent?
