Recreating Motherhood | The Parent Trap

I never played the comparison game when it came to being a mom, I just tried to be the best mom I could be. I had my children young, and unexpectedly after my Ortho Tri-Cyclen failed to do its job, with my son coming sophomore year of college and my daughter following behind 15 months later. I cut out my college ways of parties (shout out to the Alphas and AKAs), alcohol of any sort (I had plans to breastfeed but couldn’t produce more than a sprinkle of milk with my son), and clothes I didn’t think a mom would wear. I taught my daughter sign language, so we could communicate better during those toddler years and I made my own baby food. I had my ish together and even managed to become a better mom with my second child. That was then …

The Breakdown

The first month of the Covid-19 quarantine, my son mostly survived on Clif Bars while with me and my daughter definitely had 3 peanut butter and jelly sandwiches one day. This was only after 3 days in a row of late-night Doordash McDonald’s because I simply didn’t feel like cooking or cleaning dishes. Times have certainly changed. With even more time, I realized I wasn’t a bad mom, I was just recreating motherhood and what it looked like for my family. Full disclosure, this realization came within the past two months.

Before I joined the ranks of the many millions out there, becoming furloughed from my full-time job, we switched to working from home. I’m not sure if I had these grand plans of being able to balance it all wonderfully or if I just felt some invisible pressure to be able to do so. I think I thought it would be fairly easy to simply adjust the routine I already had in place but this is a misconception – the thought that routines can always be adjusted. Sometimes, they have to be thrown out of the window and a new one made in its place.

The Realization

In my case, a new one was definitely in order because trying to be all things to everyone had me breaking down in an empty closet, ugly crying, snot and all, from all the stress I put on myself. I thought it was all on me to make sure I provided 3 square meals, come up with fresh ideas at work to keep me employed us going, help my daughter when she needed e-learning assistance, and just be a present mom and partner. Because I was trying to balance all those things, and frustrated with myself that I couldn’t seem to transition into it like I thought I needed to, I worked myself into anxiety fits. I wasn’t having panic attacks, but I didn’t even like to be hugged because I felt held down and trapped.

I knew I needed help and the first thing I did after my stint in the closet was helped myself by signing up for Betterhelp. Of course, the very next day I was informed my job was being furloughed and while I was a bit nervous about the $180 I’d just spent on a virtual therapist, I was even more excited about being able to talk to someone about all the pressure I felt I was under. It was actually my therapist who helped me realize, without saying it, that I’d fallen into the parent trap. I’d leaned into trying to make sure everything was okay for my kids and ended up crushed by the pressure. I left my first session feeling validated and with my new plan for recreating motherhood and what it would look like for me.

Recreating Motherhood

I filled the gap of time I would have been spending on my full-time job on my blog instead. It’s been greatly neglected and I’ve loved getting back into it. I hired my daughter to work with me, so we’re spending time together where she’s learning how to be a kickass businesswoman new skills, making money, and I’m still able to get things done that are important to me. I also stopped making 3 meals a day … for the most part.

There are 2 (3 when my son is here) other people in this house and meals shouldn’t be all on me. My partner has jumped in like a champ and cooks meals or Doordashes (come on, it’s just so convenient and a great way to support drivers and local restaurants) a couple of times a week. My daughter is a bit picky, so on those days she doesn’t want whatever it is he or I have cooked, she provides her own meal. This would have made me feel bad before but she’s 15 and very capable of coming up with something on her own, not to mention she only has a few more years until that will be her daily norm anyways. When I do cook, I’m not making everyone’s plate and delivering food like we’re at a restaurant. We don’t have a dining room table yet, so if I do make the plates, I leave them on the island to be grabbed by each person and we’ll meet in the living room.

I brought back family movie night, which allows us to spend time together, device-free, date night, where my partner and I usually just watch something together but it’s still time for just us and solo dates with myself. This was actually huge because everyone was feeling neglected since they weren’t getting personalized time. This led to frustrations and mini arguments with them and additional stress for me just wanting to spend time with no one … curled up in the closet … in a ball … on the floor … in tears.

Aside from family movie night being Friday nights at 5:30 pm, I threw routine out of the window and found the way to become a better mother to my children was to take care of myself first while giving them the gift of independence. It’s like when you’re on a plane and they tell you to put your mask and life preserver on first before putting it on your child. Parenting, in general, is the exact same thing. You have to take care of yourself first in order to be able to take care of anyone else, especially your children. It’s also okay to let them take care of themselves from time to time – especially when they’re teens.

Who else has found themselves recreating motherhood during the pandemic?